06/22/2019

One of the reasons I feel like I enjoy and am more consistent with blogging instead of journaling is with journaling I feel like I have all these rules I have to follow. Blogging I can just talk about anything I want.

Who came up with these rules? Oh, that would be me. Self imposed.

What are these rules? They aren’t necessarily rules as much as questions that lead to awkwardness.

Like if you start writing in a new journal, do you introduce yourself to the “reader”? Am I suppose to tell them the basics before they delve into my most personal thoughts? And if I forget to journal for like a month or two or six, when I start again do I have to reset the stage if my life? If I dive right in, they won’t even know basic things and then I’ll start talking about my Mom and this “reader” might be like “Whoa? You have a mother? Mind blown.”

Follow-up question, who is this “reader”? Who is going to be reading all these journals I write? I guess my future children, maybe. But that brings up even more questions. Like maybe I should be a bit more proper and less open about my thoughts since my children might read it. Do I want them reading it and be like “Geez, her life was a mess.”? Because apparently my children will be super judgmental. Also, are they going to read it when they are actually children or can they be adults that I just happened to spawn?

Do you see all these questions? I could keep going too.

See how they lead to journaling rules and posturing in my journal?

Meanwhile my blog always felt more freeform and loosey goosey. I could always just say what I wanted to say, because it was just a note in the middle of the internet. There are millions of those.

I don’t have to wonder what to say or talk about my day specifically. I can just get on here and talk. And it’s always there, even after a year of not posting.

I suppose this makes me the ultimate millennial. But we are who we are and we like what we like.

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06/21/2019

It’s been over a year since I’ve posted on here…

One of the things that actually prompted me to get on here and write a post was writing a comment in my college forum. I said tonight that “Sometimes time seems to pass by in a whirlwind”.

It feels that way a lot lately. Time just goes by faster and faster the older I get. I feel like I only have a brief moment with each part of my life and then I can look back on it for forever.

It reminds me of this scripture:

“…also our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream…”

Jacob 7:26

Anyways, I don’t know if I’ll keep posting on here, but maybe since I feel time passing and I can’t seem to keep a journal.

4/24/2018

I opened up this new post about 4 hours ago and I am still not sure what I was planning on writing about this morning.
I know last night as I was laying in bed I was thinking about something that I wanted to talk about on here, but now that the time has come, I am not so sure what I was planning on saying.
Isn’t that fun for me?

Regardless, I did open up the new post and so here I am writing. I am not sure how I am doing lately. I feel like every day it changes constantly.
But I am trying my best.
I am back working. I am just Customer Service for a company right now, which makes me feel a bit like a loser.
I personally made the choice to go back to Customer Service, however, sometimes it still leaves me feeling lame. Like I worked really hard before to climb the metaphorical ladder, but now I am just back to doing what I did before.
For that reason, everyday that I go to work and finish, it is a bit of an accomplishment for me. I’m constantly reminding myself of the benefits that this job gives me and why I took it in the first place.
But again, any day I do it is an accomplishment and this is something I remind myself of every day when I get home.

My other most recent accomplishments, because it’s important for my to announce to people my accomplishments, is I started going to the gym.
This is another thing that I have to go ahead and congratulate myself on daily. Every day that I go to the gym is an accomplishment for me as well.
So, when I am trying to walk up the stairs to my house and my calves are all tense and my body feels like hell, I have to remind myself that I know have bragging rights of saying that I go to the gym.
I also have the bragging rights of saying that I run on a weekly basis. I go more than once a week, but in reality I shouldn’t be bragging about anything related to the gym, because I definitely do not look like I attend the gym.
But bragging rights are still important.

SO! I have no clue what I originally was going to say in this post, but I have now successfully listed out my not real accomplishments as of late.
Please congratulate me…

 

3/28/2018

So, for some reason I have a lot of spam outlook emails following my blog lately. I had 5 follow me on Sunday and I’ve already gotten 2 today.

Not really sure what I did to deserve such great spam following, but it’s safe to say I have at least 7 new best friends who may only be interested in me for my money.

Little do they know I have $10 to my name. Go Team.

03/22/2018

Well, I can’t promise I’ll be your best friend, but I am a person who likes expressing and reacting to others. And I like texting, so it’s not a bad offer while you’re searching for a friend.

That’s the last text based message I sent. It was to a stranger online who told me at 2 am they’ve never had a best friend. At 2 am it seems pretty accurate for how I feel about my interactions with people.

2/17/2018

I turned 26 on the 11th. Not sure if much has changed over the years even though I know that a lot has.

I don’t post on here much anymore, mostly because I am too much in my own head and trying to keep going to post my thoughts.

A lot of times I wish that I would have made this blog anonymous. I don’t know if I would feel more inclined or less to post, but it is something that I think about in terms of this blog.

Who’s to say.

I read on Facebook the other day a post about if you/I was a character in a book, people would love you for all of your quirkiness and flaws. They would relate to you.

That’s a nice sentiment to think about. Something to ponder about. What do people see when they look at me? Potential? Weirdo? Annoying?

I have no clue. A lot of time I don’t think they see anything. I’m just here. In the background and occasionally in some speaking parts of their lives. Only a main character in a handful of people’s lives. A supporting character in fewer.

That’s probably on me. Again, who’s to say.

12/12/2017

I started a new job yesterday and I am currently in their training class. No big deal.

One of the goals today on our second day is to “build positive relationships”. Which is a generic thing to ask for your trainees. But my first response was: 😬

I was already sitting at a table by myself and my biggest goal personally in training is to fly under the radar. I feel like the more I talk to people, the more I will come off as condescending, which is a problem I have had in the past.

My sister says part of it is that I use random big words that no one else uses. Last night I told someone I was “elated” for them. Sorry.

But even in the training class, the trainer asked why McDonalds was successful. I said that they were clone-able and repeatable. The trainer just stared at me until someone else said “Their food is addictive” which they discussed instead.

I just feel like the best way to “build positive relationships” is to be quiet. I’m not trying to come off condescending and I don’t even know how to fix it.

I sometimes feel like even when I’m friendly it doesn’t work out that way. I have even had people in the past tell me they were afraid to talk to me because they thought I would think they are dumb. I don’t.

It’s just not something I ever thought would be a factor, but now I have to sit and think about how I am coming off to people as opposed to just being myself.

And if you’re one of those shaking your head saying “You should always be yourself”, I find that either a naive statement or one that is just not thought through. You can’t always be yourself. You do have to put on aires sometimes and play the game. It’s just life.

And for me the best way to play is to try to be quiet. C’est la vie.